I have five dogs

I have 4.25 weiner dogs and .75 jack russell dogs. In reality I have three full-blooded dachshunds, one half-weiner-&-half-jack-russell dog and one three-quarter-weiner-&-one-quarter-jack-russell dog.

It’s illegal to have that many dogs. I worry all the time that the animal control guy is going to come and take my dogs away. Then I realize that the animal control office is really far from my house, and they probably have more important things to do than come to my house and swoop in on my weiner dogs (and .75 jack russell dogs.)

I also have a neglected cat. Skeeter has lived in everyone’s room over the last three years because once Lance and Morrie moved in, I couldn’t leave Skeeter in the living room anymore. Because once Lance and Morrie moved in, my dog quota went from two dogs to five. And a litter box in the living room wasn’t cutting it.

Dogs eat cat poop and not right from the fountain either. They get into the litter box and drag litter across the floor and chew on the poo like taffy. It completely grosses everyone out, except for me. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be a dog, so I can’t imagine what it would it would be like to eat cat poop. Lacking that imagination, I dont get grossed out. The way I look at is, I’m happy when my dogs are happy. So if eating Skeeters poop makes ‘em happy, more power to ‘em.

I also have two ducks. One is gorgeous and named Artemis. He is white and regal and I love to look at him.

And then there’s Gomez, the replacement duck.

My girlfriend’s son gave me Gomez because one of the full-blooded weiner dogs kept eating my other ducks.

Pickle the dachshund is crazy and partially paralyzed in her back legs (subsequently, she can’t feel when poop comes out and leaves a trail of turds around the house. It doesn’t bother me to pick up the poop because, again, I dont’ imagine putting the poop into my mouth). But no matter how crippled she is, she is a sniper.

When we first got the ducks, we’d go to the store and come back to duck bodies in their fence and decapitated duck heads outside the fence. Pickle would lay in wait, and when the ducks would stick their heads out the fence to eat the grass, she’d drag her dead ass as fast as her front legs would take her, and snipe off there heads.

So Joe brought us the replacement duck. Victoria and Lance decided the replacement duck looked like he was wearing a tuxedo and they christianed him Gomez after the dad on the Adam’s family.

Anyway, Gomez is like the ghetto duck. Just plain ugly. But Artemis and Gomez are buddies.

And sometimes, when the dogs start barking, Artemis gets right up to the fence and quacks angrily in the dogs’ faces while Gomez stands behind him and throws up gang signs.